Women & Porn: On the losing side of things
October 5, 2005 by widsith
Porn was one of my ex-boyfriend’s biggest struggles. I use the word ’struggle’ because he claimed to want to overcome the impulse to seek it out online. In fact, he went so far as to install ‘accountability software’ on his computer, and to maintain regular communication with an ‘accountability partner’. But it all seemed so half-hearted - he knew how to get around the software, and while his accountability partner seemed to reach success with his own porn addiction through sheer determination and the cold-turkey approach, my ex failed to achieve similar results. To be honest his habits were quite regular and didn’t look like they’d let up anytime soon, nor did he genuinely seem to want to quit. For instance…
- We met with our pastor in May, but shortly before our visit my ex warned me not to inform the pastor of a specific type of porn he had accessed in previous months, and threatened to end the relationship if I didn’t keep it to myself; and I, wishing desperately to save the relationship, allowed him to get away with threatening me.
- We argued about the word ‘addiction’; I tried to tell him that if his habit was something he couldn’t control or stop at will, then he was dealing with an addiction and that he needed help; he flatly rejected the idea that his habit was an addiction, despite his admission that his porn-viewing habit controlled him rather than him being able to control it.
- From a faith perspective I regard the act of lust as cheating (in Matthew 5:28 Jesus said, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.“); although he claimed to be a Christian he adamantly insisted that his habits were not cheating, and so tried to minimize in his mind the severity of their impact on his own life and on mine. In fact, he had no problem with the hypothetical scenario of a husband fantasizing about other women during intimate moments with his wife, and said that it isn’t the wife’s business to know what’s going on in his head.
- In one of our many conversations I told him about other Christian guys I had heard of who successfully overcame their porn addictions, but he replied that he didn’t “want to be like those guys”
- I was deeply hurt by his addiction, by his denial of its stronghold on him, and by his denial that he was cheating on me; but when I told him how much it hurt me he blamed me for my ’sensitivity’, saying it wasn’t normal for women to feel hurt over this, that my pain was my problem, and that it was my responsibility to get over it so that I could support him through his struggles. I didn’t see it at the time, but I realize now that his was a ‘blame the victim’ type of mentality, a form of emotional abuse.
In dating and marriage faithfulness includes what you look at and think about - at least that’s what I’ve been brought up to believe, and what I still do believe based on my faith. Since breaking up with my ex, my advice to women has always been: Protect your heart… if the guy says he hates porn, make sure he means “I hate it so much that I never look at it” or “I hate it so much I’m continually making progress in eliminating it from my life” NOT “Sure, I ‘hate’ it, but not enough to stop“. Below are some informative and supportive websites that helped me understand my ex’s situation as it really was. Please pass them along:
1. X3 Church
2. PornFree.org
3. Sex Addicts
4. Pure Desire
5. Pure Intimacy (a Focus on the Family ministry)
6. Covenant Eyes
Related Posts:
- May ‘08 Your Return: Pornography in Verse
- May ‘08 Click here for porn
- June ‘07 Skeletons in the Closet
- November ‘05 Relationships & Spiritual Discernment
- November ‘05 Thank you!
- October ‘05 How can I describe this?
- August ‘05 A Husband Worth Waiting For
Your story about your ex-boyfriend is sadly familiar. Not only are so many men trapped in this addiction, but many are also not seeking help and think there is nothing wrong. I am sorry about how pornography affected your relationship.
I agree that addiction is an accurate term to use. In Christianity Today’s recent cover story of sex addiction in the church, they talk about this very thing (http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/03/18/major-christian-magazine-speaks-candidly-about-sexual-addiction-in-the-church/)
I think it is sad when people can easily get around their accountability software. I highly recommend checking out Covenant Eyes software: it is very robust and practically uncircumventable. Some software like X3watch is so simple to get around, I’m not sure it can be called real accountability.
If you are interested in other porn-help links, check out the Covenant Eyes blog: http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/topics/nature-of-addiction/
Thank you, Luke, for your kind words! I personally have no idea what makes accountability software work… what my ex-boyfriend told me was that it was just a matter of searching for images, which got around the software’s word filter. I have no idea how he did it, but it troubled me.
Thanks so much for the resources too. I’ll add the Covenant Eyes website to my post.
Thank you, thebibleblogger, I sure do hope more women realize that settling for this kind of treatment is so unnecessary, and will likely cause continued heartache if they stick with guys like the one I dated.
Please delete that other comment from me…I didn’t realize I had been logged into my other account.
I hope it’s OK that I used you and your blog as a basis for my blog today. Again, I’m sorry this happened but it seems from your about that you have a wonderful husband now. God bless you both.
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[...] 7, 2008 by widsith In light of recent comments and support regarding my experience as a victim of porn addiction, I wanted to share the following poem. I wrote it in 2003 from the perspective of a woman whose [...]
Addiction presents such a slippery slope of shame, denial, blame, cover-up and secrecy. Victory can be found over this addiction, and it is an addiction, but God needs to be part of the solution. Anyone who does not adequately deal with the problem, which can include seeking professional help, is setting themselves up to fall deeper into sin and crisis. The addiction is a downward spiral that only becomes worse without properly addressing the issues. There are many great resources out there both for those addicted and victims. I have found Bebroken.com to be a fantastic resource with practical information and tips.
Many thanks for the comment, and resource suggestion!